The Goodness of Distinctions: The Primary Battleground
How gender distinctions shape the covenant of marriage and strengthen the family.
"I don't feel great about it," Matt admitted as his beautiful wife Claire sighed and rolled her eyes. "They go to our church, and all the girls are excited to hang out. What are you so worried about?"
Matt shrugged, struggling to put his unease into words. He loved his wife and children, and his role was to protect them. But this time, there isn't an apparent reason for his feelings. He liked the girls their daughter would be with, and he enjoyed chatting with the parents who were hosting. Still, something felt off.
"I don't know, hun," he said finally. "I'd just rather err on the side of caution. Maybe next time, but for now, I think we should say no."
Claire's expression darkened at his words. "And I think we should say yes. She needs to go and be with her friends without you being so overprotective!"
And just like that, a simple discussion becomes a battleground. Neither of them is backing down, and there’s no clear way forward. This is what equality looks like in practice. Equal authority means there is no actual authority. It leads to stalemates and, eventually, one person grudgingly gives in.
Egalitarianism, in the context of marriage, asserts that husbands and wives should function as equal partners, with no distinction in leadership, authority, or responsibility.
Egalitarianism doesn’t prevent abuse; it creates the perfect conditions for it to flourish. Domineering men subjugate egalitarian women, while contentious women undermine egalitarian men.
The inevitable result? Feminism or abusive patriarchy.
Ironic, isn’t it? A system designed to prevent power imbalances ensures that whoever is most stubborn, forceful, or emotionally relentless takes control.
In the garden, God saw that all but one thing was good. Man was without a helper of like kind, and this needed to be remedied. So God brought all the wild animals of the earth and sky for Adam to name them. Yet even among all that wonder and beauty, no helper was found for him.
In His mercy, God caused Adam to sleep and fashioned a woman from his rib. When he woke, he saw his “ezer kenegdo,” his helper, perfectly fit for him.
Forgive my editorializing here, but I can’t help but imagine that moment. Adam awoke to see the Father offering his daughter to him. His jaw must have dropped as he fell deeply in love with her. He called her woman because he recognized her as being of the same kind with a wonderfully different form, a form best suited to help him and the mission she was joining him in.
For a time, Adam and Eve lived in harmony with God and all creation. But then Eve was deceived. She saw something pretty, something that would taste good and satisfy both her hunger for food and knowledge.
Meanwhile, Adam stood by.
He didn't call her back to him. He didn’t remind her of what God actually said. He didn’t tell her no. Instead of being the leader, he became the follower. Adam had not been deceived; he knew the truth and willfully sinned. He chose to follow his wife instead of obeying God.
Adam failed to lead when his wife needed him most. He chose passivity over confrontation, and because of that, humanity fell. Even as the curse of sin promised relational strife, God’s plan for marriage stayed the same.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless.
In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, since we are members of his body.
— Ephesians 5:22-30 (CSB)
God’s design for marriage is made clear throughout the Bible. Husbands are called to lead with sacrificial love, and wives are called to support their husbands through submission. This is not about control for the sake of control but is put in place for the sake of order and the flourishing of the family.
The world hates this design. The world tells us that authority is abuse and that all must be seen as the same. But our God is not a god of chaos but of order. That order demands a leader.
Satan has his claws in the world, and his plan is to ruin distinctions. He wants to erase the differences that bring harmony and purpose.
“And when everyone is super… no one will be.”
— Syndrome from “The Incredibles”
If everyone were the same, no one would be unique, and the world would be a sad, colorless place. If everyone is in charge, no one is in charge. If everyone leads, no one follows, and a marriage without leadership will collapse into chaos. The world’s definition of equality is not good. It is meaningless, and meaningless things don’t build lasting legacies.
Men were built to provide and protect their families. Women were designed to comfort and nourish what the husband provides. If these roles and purposes fall apart, the family falls apart.
This is the lesson of the very first marriage. Adam knew what was right and still sinned by following his wife’s lead instead of leading her in righteousness. He did not take dominion. He did not act decisively. If only he had stood up instead of standing by, he could have changed the course of history. His failure was not in doing too much but in doing too little.
Although a man may not openly rebel against God’s design, his passivity is no less destructive. This man refuses to lead. He avoids making decisions, lets his wife take control, and justifies it all as keeping the peace. In reality, he is choosing comfort over responsibility. He is weak and disengaged not because he actively harms his marriage but because his failure to act is itself a sin.
"So it is sin to know the good and yet not do it."
— James 4:17 (CSB)
His wife may not step into leadership out of ambition but necessity. She carries burdens he was meant to bear. At first, she may excuse his passivity, hoping he will eventually take his role seriously. But over time, she loses respect for him, creating a cycle of resentment. She feels abandoned. He becomes apathetic. The marriage drifts, leaderless, without direction or strength.
But many times, passivity isn’t the root. Often, it’s the result. It’s the result of a good man being worn down by a contentious woman. A woman may not mean to dominate her husband; maybe she’s particularly strong-willed, and her husband is easygoing. There’s a myriad of ways this may play out, but in all of them, purposeful or not, the woman challenges or second-guesses him and tries to take control whenever disagreements arise. She sees his easygoing spirit as passive; instead of trying to encourage him to greater heights, she tramples over him. I have seen this play out time and time again.
"Better to live on the corner of a roof than to share a house with a nagging wife."
— Proverbs 21:9 (CSB)
At first, a man may push back, but in his heart, he wants his home to be a place of peace, not conflict. He tells himself that keeping quiet is better than another argument, that letting her have her way will make things easier. He convinces himself that if he just goes along with things, the tension will disappear.
“Happy wife, happy life, am I right?” He chuckles along with his friends, but inside, he is crushed. Meanwhile, at home, he stops giving voice to his opinion, and he stops making decisions. He stops leading because he is met with criticism and resistance every time he tries. It doesn’t seem to be worth the trouble.
At first, she may feel relieved. The fights are done. She can finally just have her way. But soon, relief turns to resentment. She begins to complain that he doesn’t do enough. She loses respect for the man she once claimed to admire. She needs him to be strong, but now that she has broken him, she cannot find pity for his weakness. All she has left is contempt.
The home is leaderless, the marriage exhausted, and both are acting in ways that make the situation worse.
But not every woman is contentious in this way. Some women don’t nag and override their husbands; they simply reject the idea that he has any authority over them at all.
An endless dripping on a rainy day and a nagging wife are alike. The one who controls her controls the wind and grasps oil with his right hand.
— Proverbs 27:15-16 (CSB)
Sometimes, a rebellious wife doesn’t just resist her husband; she outright refuses to follow him as he leads. She doesn't trust his decisions. Maybe she’s afraid he’s making decisions out of anger or selfishness. No matter the reason, she doesn't value his role as head of the home. She sees herself as his equal (read: better) and believes she should be in charge.
This plays out much like the last situation. The husband may push back early on. He may try to establish leadership in the marriage, but if she doesn’t get her way, she manipulates (no sex, I’m not in the mood), argues (that’s not what my dad would do), and disrespects him outright (well, that’s stupid). She prides herself on her independence and outspokenness, thinking submission is a weakness. What she doesn’t realize is that her rebellion, once again, creates a household of chaos.
A wife like this either creates a weak husband or a cruel one. If her husband is easygoing, he will become passive. If her husband is strong-willed, he may become hardened against her. This is one of the ways a tyrannical man is born. Some men start out this way, but even a good, strong man may become harsh if disrespected and challenged at every turn.
When the righteous flourish, the people rejoice, but when the wicked rule, the people groan.
— Proverbs 29:2 (CSB)
A wife in need of security may tolerate tyranny for a time. She finally got what she wanted. She tested him and got him to step up. But it wasn’t in the way she imagined. Over time, she will find herself longing for a gentler husband. Not a weak husband but rather one who knows and cultivates his own strength as well as his control so that he can genuinely treat her as the weaker but precious vessel she is.
A wife is a weaker vessel, but that does not mean she is fragile or useless. She is a priceless gift meant to be cherished like your own body. Like a beautiful vase, she is intended to be handled with care. She should be protected and honored. For that to happen, both husband and wife must embrace their God-given roles.
Women. You were not made to bear the weight of leadership in your home. You were not created to fight for control or to compete with your husband for authority. You were designed to support, nurture, and trust. You must embrace this grand purpose God has given you.
If you push your husband down, he will become passive or rise up in harshness. If you refuse to follow, he may stop leading altogether. At the end of that path lies destruction.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
— Ephesians 5:22 (CSB)
Submission is not weakness; it is wisdom and strength acted out in faith. It is not oppression but the means by which order and peace enter the home and allow it to flourish. Honor your husband’s leadership, and if you chose well, he will joyfully rise to meet the occasion.
Men. You must step up to this challenge. Your wife is not built to carry your burdens. She is not made to be unprotected because you have become weak or unsafe because you have become a tyrant. You were made to lead her, love her, protect her, and honor her. Bearing this responsibility is a heavy load. But God created you to be different. You were designed to thrive under the pressure that only sacrifice can bring. Sacrifice your comfort now and cultivate strength and control so that you can treat her as you should.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.
— Ephesians 5:25 (CSB)
Your wife will reflect the man you choose to be. If you are weak, she will feel unprotected. If you are harsh, she will shrink under your cruelty. If you are passive, she will be forced to take up burdens she was never meant to carry.
But if you lead with strength and love, she will flourish under your care.
The world rejects this truth, but the world is full of broken families.
Be different. Be strong. Be the man God has called you to be.
I loved this point: “Equal authority means there is no actual authority.” I’ve only ever observed the egalitarianism vs complementarianism debate infrequently, from the far off fringes, but I’ve never seen this issue brought up, at least not in this way. It’s usually centered around the dignity or worth of the woman and the legitimacy and Biblical proof for either side. I’ve not seen anyone get into the gritty details and consequences, so this is refreshing in a way, to see something new in the argument, as well as some concrete evidence, rather than the vague concepts I normally see discussed.